Betrayal is so common these days.
I watch people break open. Their soul a mess.
Betrayal runs a sword so deep within the human soul.
It paralyses the human soul. The soul, that part of us that connects us to others, to our world, to our God becomes paralysed. We find ourselves no longer relating to others as we once did. We don’t know who to trust and our guard is up. Keeping a vigil over the broken soul.
I remember a time when I experienced deep betrayal.
When the power of whispers separated my heart from friends.
When the absence of plain and simple speaking broke my soul.
While I had the normal feelings of anger, outrage, sadness and grief in time I realised I had an even deeper longing – the longing to be healed.
My heart had turned inwards and I knew I had closed off my heart.
Distrust and suspicion had made me hard edged and withdrawn.
My arms constantly folded to protect my soul against further pain.
I found myself constantly crying out to God to do something within me that I couldn’t do myself.
Something that would take the raw pain away.
Something that would enable me to be able to give myself to God and to others with the kind of trust and abandon that I had known before the betrayal.
The hard thing about betrayal is that it causes your soul to be ever vigilant never wanting to experience that kind of pain ever again. But vigilance also keeps love in, it keeps our soul tied up so that we find it hard to love with freedom and abandon. Vigilance keeps us remembering the old wounds. It causes us to live protected, small and contained.
I didn’t want to live that way.
I didn’t want to live in a broken, hardened state.
But I knew I couldn’t fix my soul myself.
Counselling helped a little, sharing my hard soul with trusted friends helped but it didn’t heal my soul the way I wanted it healed.
I longed for healing and for a fundamental change in my soul.
My soul groaned for transformation.
My body filled with fear.
“What if my deep longing for healing couldn’t be met?”
“What if there was no healing?”
Maybe I would be better off repressing the desire for wholeness, for healing.
Surely desire asleep and repressed is easier to live with than desire that is awake and alive.
When I was a child I was a runner and I remember one day my coach saying to me, “How bad do you want to win this?”
The depth of desire has a great deal to do with the outcome of our life.
I remember the day oh so clearly where I cried out with everything I had for transformation.
“God have mercy on me!”
I needed more of God then I had right now.
I was human, vulnerable, in need and tender.
“God have mercy on me!”
It was humbling to have to ask for transformation, to acknowledge the state of my soul. That it was hard and broken.
But as the layers came off and as I was honest with my longing I found again the truest part of me.
That I wanted healing more than I wanted to live with the wounds inflicted by others.
Wounds can become a friend.
Wounds can meet need.
Sometimes it can feel safer to live with the feelings of betrayal than to acknowledge the need for healing. Those feelings demand attention, nurture and its easier to stroke them, to give them space, to feed the hurt and betrayal.
Its easy for us to think that our woundedness is the truest part of us.
But the truest part of us is our desire and longing to reach out to the divine asking for more than we have right now.
The deepest part of us is spiritual.
As we reach into that part and make ourselves known to the Spirit we discover our true self.
I cried out for mercy God responded to the truest part of me.
There was both the instant mystery of having my heart healed and changed in a moment and the ongoing sifting work of figuring out which parts of betrayal needed to be removed and what bits needed to stay.
When I acknowledged my deepest longing for healing it created the possibility for Christ to be with me in a way that met my truest need.
There is mystery in that but then that’s the rhythm of the spiritual isn’t it?
The Spirit doing in us what we can’t articulate or explain.
Maybe you’re like me and long for transformation. You want your heart back again.
But you don’t know how to go about it.
Hopefully by next week will be a little podcast up that will help you practically find healing from betrayal. Its a simple meditation that has helped me.
But in the mean time I’m more then willing to pray for you, to do coffee with you and to simply be with you. So feel free to inbox me.
Big hug and lots of love. You aren’t alone. Betrayal happens!